Today marks a day of shit that is fucking awesome! Hot dogs, corn on the cob, baked beans, apple pie and laziness all wrapped into one non-working weekday. Hell yeah, mother fucker!
America, the country where I live, is basically the greatest country on this planet and of course the rest of the world is a bunch of hataz that need to suck our dongs and munch our boxes. That’s right. I said it and everyone needs to recognize.
Where else can you be stupid, fat, lazy, unemployed, fat, obnoxious, fat, ignorant, intolerant, fat and RICH! How fuckin’ cool is that?! That’s true freedom. How could you not be jealous of this? Oh wait, it’s impossible and that’s why every other country on the planet is a bunch of crybaby pussy faggots!
Mexicans are risking their lives to sneak across the border to come and get some of this yummy junk. Chinese folks are stowing themselves away on boats to come and get up in this. Africans are getting really good at basketball to get here. Who can blame them. It’s fucking sweet as shit here.
Let’s look at the rest of the world for a moment. Europe is fucking gay. Russia is stupid, cold, big and poor. China is America’s bitch because badass corporations like Wal-Mart get all those fucking losers to make all their shit really cheap so we can rock out with low prices. You might say, “But China has a $1 Trillion surplus. Isn’t that scary for us?” Uh, no! Who cares. Go do my dry cleaning or something. Africa is really hot and it sucks. Don’t even get me started on the Middle East. Talk about poor urban planning. America needs to put the smack down on them and level that sand pit. Basically, everywhere else totally sucks compared to us.
When you’re sitting around on the 4th pondering all this awesome shit and you turn on the TV and see some pussy news reporter telling you how bad of a country we are for doing this or that, remember that they are full of shit and need to be shipped off to one of those butthole Middle Eastern countries if its so bad here. Make sure they get a good lick of your balls in first.
To quote one of the greatest movies of all time. “America, Fuck Yeah!”
I would assume this is irony if only Americans understood what irony was.